So I Went to See Transformers 5 (SOME PLOT SPOILERS IN THE SECOND HALF)

What’s up folks? What’s happening?

So I ended up watching the latest Michael Bay Transformers movie the other day. I already had a decent idea of what would happen due to the 20 or so trailers that came out (I just threw that number out there, but I’m sure it’s fairly accurate). Before you ask, it wasn’t with my own money: It’s a normal father-son bonding ‘tradition’ to watch the latest summer action/sci-fi movies together. I loved Transformers as a kid, but I’m honestly very on the fence with these live-action adaptations, especially considering the notoriety the films gained over the years. However, after I was offered, I wasn’t just gonna shoot it down and be like, “Man, fuck those movies.” or something like that . That would just be plain rude (obviously). I’d think of it as just another opportunity for a silly story, as I’m doing with this now. Ultimately, I very enthusiastically accept the offer, and we head over to the theater.

I feel like I came into this movie with a much more open and neutral mindset. I wasn’t expecting a masterpiece of a plot or nothing like that. I just wanted to see a few things:

  1. Which sacred artifact, that could obliterate the galaxy, has conveniently landed on Earth this time?
  2. Can Michael Bay put in more explosions than the last 3 Olympic opening and closing ceremonies combined?
  3. How the hell did Megatron become Galvatron and become Megatron again?
  4. Which hot chick, who isn’t Megan Fox, is in the supporting role?
  5. Will the robot-to-human interaction time ratio make it past 10 percent?

SPOILERS AHEAD! BUT IF YOU DON’T REALLY INTEND TO WATCH IT, OR JUST DON’T CARE CAUSE YOU HAVE A GOOD IDEA OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN, YOU COULD PROBABLY STILL SCROLL DOWN ANYWAYS.


It ain’t even been ten minutes into the damn movie and I already have plenty of questions. First off, the opening looked like some bootleg Lord of the Rings, and I had to remind myself that this was actually a movie about giant alien robots (I think). I almost got thrown off in the next scene too, which goes to the present. There’s a group of kids, right. One of the little boys had a line which was a reference to a well known (and obviously, significantly better) movie. The minute I heard this line, I immediately let out a not-so-subtle “Oh my God.” in the theater. In case you don’t know, this is what I’m talking about:

cebydlvumaeeqjm

Boyz n the Hood (not including Shaq)

This fool went and threw in a Boyz n the Hood reference. Instead of “Y’all wanna see a dead body?”, it was “Y’all wanna see a dead robot?” I’m not making this shit up. I guarantee that it’ll be on the Cinema Sins video of this movie.

I can’t really pinpoint much else that immediately struck me as significantly awful. The plot was confusing, like the rest of them. There was the latest exotic cars that most regular people will never own in life, just like the rest of them. The fight scenes look like a nuke was conveniently dropped between a junkyard, fireworks factory and a gas station, just like the rest of them. It was too damn long of a movie, just like the rest of them. I had to use the restroom in the middle of the movie, and I was a bit concerned if I would miss something. Then I reminded myself that I probably wouldn’t have missed much (and I didn’t). This is allegedly Michael Bay’s last film with this franchise. I hope so, cause it looks like the strategy is losing some steam. I still love Transformers (who doesn’t love some good old-fashioned giant robot fisticuffs), and I would love to see them being done justice on the 21st century big screen.

Although it’s not good (in fact, it’s currently the worst reviewed by critics so far), I won’t completely trash it. There were a few (VERY FEW) semi-redeeming qualities.

  1. Optimus: Come on, it’s Optimus Prime. Optimus will never not be a badass.
  2. Bumblebee: He finally got his voice back!! I hope that Bumblebee spinoff can do Bumblebee justice, cause I see a lot of potential.
  3. Anthony Hopkins & Cogman were some (more) decent comic relief. Not by much, but there are some occasional (guilty) chuckles.
  4. There wasn’t as much of the ‘Bay-isms’ like product placement and spontaneously placed American flags, especially compared to the last film.

Other than that, the movie is the bastard child of that boring history class from high school and Super Bowl advertisements, with some occasional robots and very frequent explosions thrown in for good measure. I’m gonna stop here, because i don’t want this to be as long as the movie itself.

General Consensus: It’s usual Michael Bay doing usual Michael Bay things. Watch Wonder Woman instead.

Alright, y’all take it easy.


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Joe Johnson

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